The Laid-Off Peripatetic (LOP)

I believe I blogged previously about the movie New Moon. But just in case you missed it, here’s a recap. It dragged interminably for the first half, picked up the pace a bit in the second half, but mostly sucked. Buff boys were half-naked the vast majority of the time, which made the perpetual moping bearable. Anyway, the link below is the abridged version only much funnier and with LOL cats.

http://microsuede.blogspot.com/2009/11/movie-review-twilight-saga-new-moon.html

Also, if you have a chance, watch Late Night With Conan O’Brien. He’s incorporated Cody Devereaux, the depressed, brooding vampire who experiences death by sunlight on every show (R.I.P. 1598-Today); and Wolf-Boy, who is dumb as a box of rocks, but can move his pectoral muscles…almost as though he’s doing Morse Code.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=mj4PWV1v3II

Water-resistant Ninja gear

Christmas came early today. I hate trite sayings, but I can’t help but use them when they are true. The Happy Couple and I exchanged gifts and guess what I got—ninja accoutrement…picture a ninja sword handle on an umbrella. The best part is that it came with a carrying case so that it is both easily transportable and also looks like a sword. Hee hee. This increases the possibility that a roving officer of the law might stop me for carrying what appears to be a deadly weapon. But, for the opportunity to be a waterproof ninja, I’m willing to take that chance.

Never mind the Cheetah flannel pants and the fuzzy pink slippers—even ninjas need comfortable loungewear

In Europe, it’s not uncommon for parents to allow their chitlins to partake of spirits. I know this only because someone I once knew told me a story of a crazy Frenchman who became irate when the waiter at a restaurant in Chicago wouldn’t serve his 12-year-old son a glass of wine. I realize that my source sounds questionable, probably because she is. She was completely unhinged in a need-electric-shock-therapy-and-drugs kind of way, but the story is still funny.

Anyway, Europeans aren’t the only ones who like to feed their kids some sauce. Below is my Dad’s Hot Toddy recipe—the same one he served to me and my sisters from the time we could hold a cup. His magical healing elixir wasn’t doled out for our breakfast or on a nightly basis—that would smack of bad parenting. No, we only received the mug of love when suffering from a cold/flu-type thing. Dad’s concoction was the panacea for all that ails, or so he said. In truth, he loaded it with enough whiskey to knock us out for the night. What’s the saying? Ah yes, sleep is the best medicine. Now that cold and flu season is upon us, I thought I’d share. I hope the Toddy’s tremendous healing properties work as well for you.

Martin’s Hot Toddy Recipe: Mix hot water, a shot of whiskey, honey and a squeeze of lemon. It’s basic, but effective; even moreso if the liver is unfamiliar with the effects of Maker’s Mark.

Culture in Transit

I had my first LA bus experience this week—well, two actually. Though the transit system isn’t anything close to what Chicago has to offer, it still offers the same curious sights, sounds and smells. I didn’t see anyone without pants or puking, so it wasn’t quite the same. But the cost is only $1.25 a ride. Not bad. As far as my destinations, well, trip one was to play the part of makeup ginnea pig for a makeup artist who needed a mug on which to let her client practice. Um yeah, in the end, I looked like a member of the Insane Clown Posse. Trip two was to the chiropractor. It wasn’t exciting, but it was necessary.

Unlrelated funny sign

I overheard this conversation between two early 20-something women while hiking down Runyon Canyon and wanted to share. (Editor’s note: Though it may seem unlikely, I have neither embellished or paraphrased.)

“Some guy is taking me out tonight.”

“What’s this guy’s name?”

“I don’t know.”

“How do you, like, not know his name?”

“I totally just talk to my dates until I figure out their names and then I put them in the customer file.”

[no segue, but the same girl is speaking]

“When I, like, totally get famous, there will probably be a photo of me, like, picking my butt and I, like, totally won’t care. I’ll be like, yeah, this is totally me.”

“Totally.”

THE END (Thank God)

I love all things ninja. Why this is, I have no idea. My parents didn’t ship me to a covert ninja camp at a Bhutan monastery when I was a child. Yet, I have a ninja outfit (official ninja speak) that I have worn on more than one occasion and am constantly looking for other excuses to wear it. I dream, eat and sleep in ninja. I own throwing stars and a cross bow. Granted, they are plastic and the crossbow shoots suction-cup darts, but those are silly technicalities.

When I heard about the movie Ninja Assassin, I waited with bated breath for its release. It was the fight scenes and the stealthy crawl of the ninja that I love. I watch. I learn, for I am a ninja in training…one that needs guidance beyond what “Ninja for Dummies” can offer. And I couldn’t have asked for a more comely teacher than the lead in Ninja Assassin. Rain is the actor who plays Raizo—bad ninja turned good after killing only a few people—and has officially become my new hunk crush for obvious reasons.

Rain was kind enough to take time out of his busy schedule to pose in my living room. Of course, I was happy to lend him a ninja-esque weapon to ensure the photo was authentic. We later compared six packs.

The gore and gratuitous violence was to be expected—the promo poster gave that away. Typically I cringe and watch through the slits in whichever hand is covering my face when heads are lopped off and blood gushes like Buckingham Fountain, but not so much in this movie. Probably because the blood was an unnatural shade of red…possibly a nice Sherwin Williams Fire Engine Red matte. The odd color wasn’t comforting by any means, but it wasn’t realistic either, which is why it was bearable to watch it spewing from necks.

Michele and I loved the movie, but Deutsch was less than thrilled, probably because the premise consisted of minimal plot with a focus on maximum shirtless Rain. And I was just fine with that. But it was a fun action flick with beautifully choreographed fight scenes. And what a concept—the actors actually had mad martial arts skills instead of the typical Hollywood-cut-and-paste-create-a-martial-artist software program used for those who’ve never thrown a kick other than when they’ve accidentally slipped on ice.

Our Thanksgiving began on Wednesday with the 1st Annual Pre-Thanksgiving Walkabout. It was a vampire/werewolf theme for no other reason than because we had purchased movie tickets to see New Moon. Wow it was bad. But the shirtless wolf-boys made it most bearable; which initiated a moment of self-discovery—I think I’m a cougar. Most of those young bucks were half my age, but that didn’t stop me from salivating. I should have brought a drop cloth and a mop.

Anyway, the bar/restaurant portion of our walkabout included visits to the following:

Dillon’s, a new Irish pub in Hollywood that charges a mere $3 for a beer—and that’s every kind of beer, not just the canned water that Budweiser and Coors attempt to pass off as beer.

Hungry Cat’s happy hour—$6 specialty drinks created from fresh fruit and the like. They are of a slightly less caliber than those at the Roosevelt Hotel, but they’ll certainly do in a pinch. Our bartender, Jake, was wonderfully sarcastic and even played in our reindeer games when we asked him to describe the milk base of each cheese selection with animal noises. The best was a cow, sheep combo: MoooooBaaaaaaaa

The Well, which is owned by the same people who own The Woods. I realize this means nothing to those who don’t live in Hollywood, but both bars are great. The Well even made the cut for the World’s Best Bars.

Oh, and speaking of cocktails (even though I wasn’t really, but I needed a segue), The Burgundy Room on Cahuenga has become one of my new favorite hangouts. It is dark, dank and has the oddest mercurial glow behind the bar…it’s kind of like drinking in a spaceship.

Essex was our last stop and rightfully so, it was about 11 p.m. and there was absolutely no need to imbibe any further. Even though it doesn’t appear as such, I actually do have an OFF switch.

Thanksgiving Day was dedicated to eating our bevy of appetizers to which we all contributed (though I forgot how sadly lacking in cooking skills I am) and toasting family and friends. And even though it’s post gluttony, I am still thankful that:

• I never again have to endure another inarticulate speech from G.W.
• I am in possession of real, live ninja attire
• Britney Spears has stopped procreating (this is wishful thinking more than anything
• I’m not lactose intolerant
• Webster’s Dictionary has never acknowledged y’all and fixin’ as words because they aren’t
• I no longer work for an epic prick
• There is a street named Lunt in Chicago (hee, it never gets old)
• I have the best friends ever
• My family is still alive, kicking and crazy as ever, which only makes Christmas that much more interesting

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I’m still feeling the effects of sugar, fat and carbohydrate induced food coma, but that’s what being an American is all about. Gobble Gobble.

Mild-mannered tattoo artist and DJ, Josh Schneider, is one multifaceted guy. I first met him at Coach & Horses, a bar on Sunset Blvd. in LA, that features DJ Jazzy S spinning 80s hits (and yes, I made that moniker up…luckily Josh doesn’t know where I live—hee hee) on Thursday nights. This event is known as Technoir to the tavern denizens. By day, he artfully wields a mighty tattoo wand. I’m sure the term “needle” is more accurate, but, oh wait…I almost passed out. (If you are interested in having one or more tattooos applied to your person, Josh is your guy. Check out his Web site at www.joshschneidertattoo.com or visit him at Freak Chic, 7365 Melsrose Ave, Los Angeles.

Josh posing in front of his artwork

What foreign country would you like to visit and why?

I would most like to visit the U.K., specifically England because English culture has influenced so much of my life between music, fashion, film and attitude. I’m listening to Madness as I write this actually!

What is your favorite vacation destination? Please list your most memorable travel moment. (Tricky Josh consolidated these questions…please, read on)

My favorite vacation destination is also the home of my favorite travel memories—Australia! if you have not been “down under” yet, I couldn’t recommend a better place to explore! Some of my favorite memories were white water rafting and petting a ‘roo, koala and a wombat! My favorite moment was quite simple actually—sitting on my best mate’s back porch, drinking Aussie rum, listrning to Men at Work and watching a thunder and lightning storm. It was really quite beautiful.

What is your favorite weekend getaway? Do you take snacks? If so, what kind?

My favorite weekend getaway would have to be San Fransisco. I’ve been there about a dozen times, mostly getting tattooed. Does Zanax count as a snack?

Are you a hotel or hostel kind of guy?

I prefer staying with friends. I like planning some of the trip, because usually i work half of the trip and then do whatever during my free time.

Thanks Josh!

I was either walking away with a photo or a story about getting my ass kicked by a guy wearing a lamp shade on his head. But, this was a happy ending, for my stealthy, ninja ways kicked in and I was able to snap a few photos before he knew what had happened. He turned around once, but we pulled the old “group tourist photo” trick. Lamp shade guy had no idea…or it’s possible that he just didn’t care.

Only in LA. And to think I documented all of this fodder enroute to the Arclight Theatre where we saw 2012.

As for my review—the movie was campy and ridiculous. Save your money and wait until HBO features it two years from now. There were great actors in it: John Cusak, Amanda Peet, Oliver Platt, Danny Glover, yada yada; but it still isn’t worth it. The writers interjected levity where there should not have been levity; and it was drowning in cheese. The previews were my favorite part.

Here are a few things that I could have purchased with the money I spent on a 2012 movie ticket:

• half of what a PVC French maid outfit would cost (not that I’ve researched it)
• 7 rawhide doggie bones
• 4 bottles of Boones Farm (there’s a fan club by the way)
• bribe to stay out of a Mexican prison
• one hour’s worth of Pai Gow poker (if you know what you’re doing)
• a Man Groomer
• one Wiglet from CVS, two from Walgreen’s
• a Kenny G CD
• an appetizer at the Chicken Ranch

How excited was I when my lovely friend Barb called and said she was coming to LA? Well, I was so giddy it was a good thing I was wearing a diaper.

My going away bash: Barb with our good friend Brown Kevin

Anyway, she is staying with her sister in Encino, California. The name of the town was vaguely familiar because I was permanently scarred after subjecting myself to Encino Man, one of Pauly Shore’s many horrid movies. But with the help of Mapquest and Barb’s verbal directions I scrawled on a cocktail napkin (don’t ask), I had a definitive plan of action—I would drive to pick her up for our girl date. Wahoo!

And so I went forth onto Highway 101, a road mired in cars, exhaust and road rage hoping that no “incidents” would occur and that the Happy Couple’s car would remain unscathed. (For those of you who don’t know, I’m carless. This fact seems to bother those whom I tell much more than it does me, but such is life in LA.) I pined to see my friend badly enough though that had a car not been available, I would have hijacked a skateboard from a hoodlum lurking in the alley, all the while screaming, “This is for Barb-a-Reeba!!!” Flailing, pouncing, oh, yes, that skateboard would have been mine. I can be terrifying when on a mission for wheels…or booze or food. But never you mind that.

What I noticed first about Encino was that it bears a striking resemblance to the giant strip-mall that is Dallas, Texas. (I lived in Dallas for seven painfully long years. And though I made some great friends, there is no amount of money that would make me return, ever. I refer to it as the “armpit of the world.”) But no matter. I wasn’t in Encino to research housing or to sight-see, though Barb mentioned that Michael Jackson’s compound was only five blocks from her sister’s house.

I escorted my date to a lovely Italian restaurant called Oliva Trattoria, 4449 Van Nuys Blvd. I ordered steak and Barb, the spinach and ricotta ravioli. The cow was fine, but I wouldn’t recommend it over the pasta, which was handmade and delicious. The salads were huge and could easily feed two people if ordering one for a starter course. The service was mediocre, but the manager complimented my hooker heels, so I’ll cut him a little slack.

My most favorite shoes...

The bar scene was nonexistent for the most part, but we actually found one that was open and featured a tragic lounge singer equipped with a velour vixen dress. The badness of it all was the perfect backdrop for great conversation…

I’ve never been a suburban kind of gal; I break out into hives if submerged in Stepford too long. So, Encino didn’t wow me, but it was still nice to explore. My next stops as a local tourist will be oceanside cities. I’ve toyed with the idea of taking surfing lessons, but given the fact that I require floaties, I’m not sure that’s such a great idea. I won’t be able to enjoy life much if I’m tits up…or face down, as it were.

Ben Huh is the CEO of Pet Holdings, Inc., the company behind such blogs as I Can Haz Cheezburger?, FAIL and others. You can follow his personal blog at www.benhuh.com.

What is your most memorable vacation?

Our 2-week honeymoon in Hawaii was absolutely amazing. I thought it’d be a cliche and all, but there’s a reason why they call Hawaii a paradise on earth.

What is your worst travel experience?

I had a delayed flight from O’Hare that connected in Denver on United Airlines. As I got off the plane, the departing gate for my connection was the one next to my arrival gate and I could see the flight pull out of the gate just as I stepped off my connection. United refused to pay for lodging and as a poor college kid, I had no money. I ended up spending the night in Denver International Airport. Needless to say, 10-years later, I don’t fly United very much.

Have you ever experienced a body cavity search? If so, there’s no need to go into detail, I was just curious.

No. No. And I hope NEVER.

What do you pack when visiting a tropical locale?

Not much. I try to travel light and roll with the punches. In fact, no matter where I am going, I try to pack very light. But it’s always a struggle to leave those pesky gadgets at home.

Is wearing a Speedo a right or a privilege?

It’s a crime.

What is the most obscure place you’ve ever visited?

I once got lost inside a Federal penitentiary in Southern Illinois.

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Center of the known universe: Manhattan.

If offered the opportunity to become The Queen of England’s lackey in exchange for blogging rights, room, board and a Lipizzan, would you take it?

Heck no.

What is your favorite weekend getaway?

We enjoy getting away to Vancouver, BC for some good Cantonese food this side of China.

What is your favorite travel guidebook series: Frommer’s, Rick Steves, Lonely Planet or Penny Saver?

I’m generally a fan of Lonely Planet, but I much prefer asking-those-who-went-there-recently.

If you were a feral cat, would you be an ocelot, cougar or cheetah? Or would you trade freedom for the novelty of becoming a six-toed Hemmingway cat?

Polydactal cats are tempting because I can draw hand-turkeys well (http://icanhascheezburger.com/2007/11/22/happee-fangsgivings/).

Thanks Ben!

I subscribe to a variety of travel sites including those that provide info on travel bargains. I just received an update today that I thought was worth passing along in the event anyone is searching for fabulous deals to the Caribbean. CheapCaribbean.com is offering discounted packages to destinations such as Puerto Rico, Aruba and Jamaica. Included is the SPF 100 Sunshine Protection deal, which means you get $100 off the cost of your trip if it rains during your vacation.

There is an upside to a down economy—great travel deals.