Communal living musts (for me anyway)
“Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.” —Oscar Wilde
Step off home skillets, mama has a job and, yeah, get this, is looking for a big girl apartment! To what do I attribute these efforts to rejoin not just society, but those who live in reality? I’m not sure, though boredom might have something to do it. Unbeknownst to me, I picked the ideal time to begin apartment hunting because LA’s insanely high rent prices are declining to only painful.
It seems as though I’ve looked at every one-bedroom apartment in Hollywood, and what I’ve found are mostly mundane, boring boxes that one would expect from suburban living in Phoenix. However, there are those few gems that sang to me, like a siren in the night, begging me to move the last vestiges of my Chicago existence through the front door and stay for awhile.
Ah, but what constitutes a desirable apartment? Well, it’s subjective for sure, but the following are my requirements:
- The top floor (corner apartment if you can get it): If I’m going communal, I want to minimize the number of people with whom I share walls/floors. Reason being? Even with all the bitching, begging and bribing with sixers of PBR, one can’t convince the stupid, inconsiderate ilk of this world to change their ways.
- AC
- Hardwood floors: Sure, they are a pain in the ass to keep clean, but I’m always highly suspect of the apartment buildings that say they “deep clean” the carpets between tenants. Woolite carpet spray doesn’t count.
- More than 600 sq. ft.: I’ve had walk-in closets bigger than that.
- Front doors more substantial than those constructed of veneer, foam and paint.
- A building manager who doesn’t touch fondle his junk and get lost in a masturbatory reverie while discussing your move-in date.
- No pestilence of any kind, which includes, but is not limited to cockroaches, mice and meth dealers.
- Character and personality: Art, furniture and paint can only ameliorate the mundane. Trying to turn a suburbanesque boring box into something inspirational is like trying to turn Margaret Thatcher into Elizabeth Hurley. However, if you begin with a partial canvas, it takes only a bit of titivating to make it home.
So, those are my criteria, most of which I don’t think are too crazy. I’ve found a lovely one-bedroom in Hollywood for which I will be placing an application on Monday. And glory be, It is a top-floor corner apartment with actual space for my shit. Until we meet again, think happy apartment thoughts por moi.
